Unprepared

There were a number of things I was unprepared for when we lost our baby at 10 weeks gestation to miscarriage. (Feb 28, this baby was to be our second child, and is our second child, just not with us).

I was unprepared for the doctor's words, the onslaught of emotions, for the deep grieving, for the feelings of inadequacy, for feeling like this was somehow my fault, for people who I expected to be compassionate acting like nothing happened, for crying at the drop of a hat hysterically, for how I felt each time I saw blood.

But we have been doing better, as time passes it gets easier.

Until a last thing happened that I was unprepared for.

The overwhelming emotion that comes with the insurance paperwork saying how much of my hospital procedure is our responsibility. It arrived on Saturday, and it has been a horrible feeling. It seems wrong to be paying medical bills for a pregnancy that will not allow me to hold my baby this side of heaven. It feels like a cruel joke.

But God is pouring the soothing salve of His love on this open wound, because He loves us and is so overwhelmingly good to us.

It still hurts, but I know our child is with God, and will never experience the pain of a fallen world, of human shortcomings, of sin. Our child will only know the perfection of God.