Sometimes I catch myself doing it before it comes out.
And sometimes it just comes.
That deep sigh.
Sometimes it is one of contentment.
Sometimes of fatigue.
Sometimes of frustration.
And sometimes of having no idea what to do.
Yesterday I was waiting for a phone call, one I had to be home to answer, it was that important to us. So my MIL took the girls out to play with the promise to ring the bell if they needed me or could not close the garage door. Shortly after they went out the doorbell rang. I did not run to the door because I did not hear the garage close, and I did not hear any crying or yelling. When I opened the door Miss Pear said her grandmother had fallen, and there she was coming up the drive holding her nose with a kleenex.
I did what anyone would do - I ran out in the rain in my socks to get Baby and usher everyone in.
My MIL is fine, she is skinned and bruised, and deeply, highly embarrassed. You see, she fell on the flat street, she just tripped over her feet. And she she says she "landed on her head because it is too big" which Miss Pear thinks is a hysterical description. Today she is stiff and sore, she is tired from laying in bed last night thinking it through and trying to figure out how she managed to do that, but she is fine. Much to proud and embarrassed to admit she might need more than a nap, but fine.
But I find that I hurt.
But here is what hurt me the most.
I did not know what to do. Not really. I knew to get ice and clean clothes. I knew to pray.
But she is on medication that could have made this scary, and I did not know what to do, what to watch for, when to call for help despite her protests not to.
From the time the girls were born I have been meaning to refresh my CPR and to take a good first aid class. And I never get further than saying I should do it.
I talked to my husband last night in the dark and confessed how annoyed I was with myself. I could hear his smile in the dark as he said he would sign me up for a class first thing. That and the "what to do in the case of a local and regional emergency class" our local fire department offers a few times a year. I asked if he would take the classes too, and he agreed he would take the sessions following mine so that we did not have to worry about babysitters.
In the dark I smiled and sighed deeply.